I love the San Francisco 49ers, but please, please, pretty please with sugar on top, can we make the preseason two games? Look, I get peoples excitement about it, they’re excited that football is back and they love just seeing their team go out there and play. I get that, and thats great, but honestly, I’d rather watch reruns of the first season of Seinfeld, and the first season of Seinfeld SUCKED.
The NFL preseason is almost as excruciating to watch as the one thousandth season of Survivor whatever island they’re on. Player’s performances in the preseason has little to no effect on what they will do in the regular season, and the most important task for the starters in the preseason is to not get injured. The only semi-positive about the preseason is that it gets the rookies, and players who will never play, ever, some game experience, but even that is meaningless because the difference between a preseason and regular season game is so vast. It’s almost like a semi-pro game because a bunch of the guys you saw last night, will be playing in semi pro leagues, or the practice squad, or someone elses practice squad.
Every year there is a preseason superstar. Last year was Anthony Dixon, and Scott Tolzien, and Brett Swain was second on the team in receiving, and Eric Bakhtiari had 17 tackles and 2.5 sacks, and Eric Bakhtari isn’t even on the team anymore. Those guys didn’t play a down last season (except Dixon, but not many downs) . Not one down, and yet, there will still be guys on the radio hyping about how good these guys can be. I don’t care about Scott Tolzien’s preseason stats, or about how potentially good Scott Tolzien can be. If Scott Tolzien is playing in a regular season game, then the 49ers are more screwed than a piece of Ikea furniture. I don’t care about how good he looked against Denver’s third stringers, or about how good he’s going to look against the Chief’s third stringers. I care more about people’s performances in practice than I do preseason games. They use the whole playbook in practice, run the actual plays they’re going to run etc. Look, I am not knocking those guys, the Tolzien’s, the Dixon’s and Bakhtiari’s, their job is to play football, which is way better than any job I will ever have. But, I am sorry, I just don’t care about their preseason performance. I just don’t. I have better things to do. I get that I am going to hear the same old “you’re not a real fan! You don’t care about Daniel Kilgore, the backup offensive lineman, you don’t care about the Niners” (in a perfect Dan O’Toole voice, and if you know who Toolsey is then we’re already besties). You’re right. I don’t care about Daniel freaking Kilgore or any of the other backups, because guess what, if they’re playing regularly then something went horribly wrong. If Scott Tolzien ever plays, that means Kap and McCoy got injured. Or McCoy sucks THAT much that the coaching staff would elect to put in their third string quarterback a la Caleb Hanie in the NFC Championship Game three years ago.
But all in all, look, I am glad football is back, I love football, I love the Niners. I want to see the scarlet and gold play, but I just, I can’t watch preseason football. I just can’t do it, I’ve tried, but I don’t care about C.J Anderson who is going to get cut anyway. Look, I am as hyped as anybody for this season, but the preseason is NOT this season. Come September 5, I will be in my living room (if you could call it that) in front of my TV with my best friends, and a whole lot of beer rooting as hard as anybody for the Niners to kick Green Bay’s ass (I hate Green Bay). But, I’ll spare all of you the recap of the next Niners v. Chief’s Preseason game where Colin Kaepernick and Alex Smith both play one series and go sit on the bench for the next three quarters. Go Niners! But, seriously, call me on September 5, when real football starts.